Sep. 24th, 2014

xlovebecomesher: (Snoopy Novel)
“I can’t do this anymore.”

He turned around from where he was standing and looked down into her worried eyes.  She had seemed out of sorts all day and he couldn’t figure out why considering he had an exciting night planned for them that night. “What can’t you do anymore?”

She stood up, meeting him face to face. “This. You and me. This just having sex thing that we having going on. Whatever you want to call it. I can’t do this anymore, sleeping with you and pretending it means nothing to me.” She paused, fighting back tears – she swore she wouldn’t cry in front of him. There would be plenty of time to cry after she left, and was alone again as usual. “Because it does mean something to me.” You mean something to me, she thought to herself, but the words remained unspoken.  “If I continued this anymore, I’m going to hate myself, and eventually I’d end up hating you. I can’t…”

He wanted to touch her, just pull her closely to him and wipe away the single tear he could see making their way down her cheek. He wanted to see her smile again. Didn’t she understand that she was his world? Yes, it had started out as just sex but it quickly turned into something beautiful.  This wasn’t just sex to him, but how could he tell her when she was so determined to end this? “Have you thought this through?” he asked inanely, wishing like hell he knew what to say to make her stay and stop his own pain.

She bit her lip. She didn’t want to leave him. If she could, she’d stay here forever, marry him, have his children, love him with all her heart but he didn’t want that. He told her that enough times as it was. This was about sex, not love, he reminded her often.  He wasn’t capable of love, wasn’t capable of relationships, and she thought she could handle being in such a relationship. She couldn’t. “Yes, I thought this through. I can’t keep pretending anymore … pretending that this is just sex, not when I’m in love with you. If I stayed, I’d be on my knees waiting for whatever scrap you threw at me. At least this way I’ll have my pride, my dignity.” She turned and made her way to the door, praying that the tears wouldn’t start falling till the door closed behind her.

“Will your pride keep you warm at night?” he called out, anything to prevent her from leaving.

She glanced back at him, watching him lean against the wall so stoically, with his hands in his pocket. “It’s going to have to,” she murmured as she opened the door and walked out, shutting the door softly behind her.

He stood there without moving or making a sound till he heard the sounds of her car driving away. He sank down to the floor, still gripping the small black velvet box he had in his pocket. “It wasn’t just sex…” he whispered.

March 2017

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