xlovebecomesher: (Song)
[personal profile] xlovebecomesher

Dementia snuck in quietly.

It started off with not remembering how use her Gmail account to send out resumes. I spent hours upon hours reteaching her how to send attachments until I took over emailing for her. I would come home from work and job search for her for hours, writing cover letters, sending emails.

She told everyone she spent her days job searching. When I'd question her because I knew I was the one doing the emails, she'd tell me 'What do you know what I do when you're not home?"

I stopped arguing with her and let her take credit for my job searching. Maybe she was job searching after all, what do I know?

"How do you play this again? Why do the rules keep changing?" She threw her Uno cards down in frustration and walked away.

I shrugged my shoulders. Maybe she wasn't in the mood to play games, I rationalized. It was late. I don't always think straight when I'm exhausted. I brushed it off. We'll play another day. I didn't give it another thought.

She forgot that I was in a car accident.

I had been rear-ended on my way home from work the previous Friday. I was okay but the person who hit me busted my fuel tank. I realized this as I bought gas before I got into the accident. By the time I got home, after driving my poor car home, I had no gas in my tank. We talked about this all weekend and speculated about what exactly was wrong with my car and made bets on how much damage did this person cause to my car (The answer was $1600 worth of damage).

She stared at me as I reminded her of the events of that day in confusion. Finally, she shook her head and told me that she remembered. How could she forget? She laughed uneasily.

I immediatly Googled tests for dementia; she passed the tests I found with flying colors. She laughed at me and told me nothing was wrong. I tried pushing it out of my mind. Nothing was wrong, she said. People forget things all the time, I reminded myself. I tried to shake it off.

But the uneasiness never left me.


"Hillary, she hasn't showered in weeks. She's not changing her sheets. I can't tell you the last time she did her laundry."

"What are you talking about?" My mother was known for her cleanliness; this had to be a lie.

"I'm not making this up. I swear to you. She says she has and argues with me when I tell her to shower or to do her laundry. She tells me 'What do you know what I do when you're not home?""

"I'll talk to her."

I sit with her and I make a list of things that she needs to do. Shower, laundry, make food. She nods and holds on to the list for dear life.

She called me one night.

"Hillary, I don't know where I am. Come get me."

"What do you mean you don't know where you are?"

"I went to get my nails done and out to dinner with Berta but I don't remember how to get home."

"Where are you now?" I begin to yell and panic.

Pause. I begin to hyperventilate imagining the worst.

"There's a church next to me, I think. It's a green church."

I think frantically. Where is there a green church around here? I dig for my keys ready to run out; to where I'm not sure, but I have to rescue her.

Finally she says, "The sign says St. Elizabeth's."

I figured out where she was and raced to go save her; hoping nothing happened to her. Luckily she had pulled into the parking lot and waited for me. I almost fall to my knees in thanks when I see her standing next to her beloved car.

I began taking her to the doctor for tests. She can't remember how to use the coffee machine or the remote control; let alone, showering, changing clothes, doing laundry. She panicked when she was left alone.

"Ma'am, are you a smoker?" The doctor asks her.

"No! I have never smoked a day in my life!" She answers belligerantly.

"Mommy, you smoked every day for over 30 years."

She glares at me and begins to shout. "What do you know? I know myself and I know I don't smoke. Why do you want to make me look bad?"

I slunk as low as I could in my chair. I wondered to myself am I crazy or is she crazy? I prayed that the tests would find something that would bring my mother back to who she was.

The doctor refers us to a neuropsychologist for a battery of tests.

The neuropsychologist administers the Montreal Cognitive Assessment. She asks my mother to draw a clock. "This is easy," I think to myself as my mother says the same words out loud. As I watched her draw the clock, I froze in my chair unable to believe what I was watching. She drew a circle just fine but her numbers were on top of each other to the top left of the circle. The neuropsychologist then asked my mother to count back from 100 by sevens. My mother is a bookkeeper; this should be a breeze I thought. She got stuck on 93.

At that moment, I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think straight. What does this mean?

I later learned that not being able to draw a clock is an indicator of dementia.


His words were like a gunshot. "Ma'am, I'm sorry to tell you that you have Alzheimer's dementia."

I almost fall out of my chair.

"What does this mean for me?" she asks. Luckily, one of us had the right mind to ask that question at that moment.

The doctor explains about dementia, things that can be done to slow down the progression, medications that can be taken. My mind is fixated on the word dementia. I numbly take the phamphlets given to us, the medication samples, and we walk out holding hands back to the car.

"Mommy, I promise you that you will be the prettiest dementia patient. We're going to get through this. We're going to fight this dementia together." We smile at each other and walk quietly for a few moments as we process what the doctor said.

"Hillary?" She stops walking and I stop in my tracks. She looks lost.

"Yes, Mommy?"

"Who has dementia?"

I try to figure if she's joking or serious. "You do," I tell her gently.

"Why would the doctor say I have dementia? I don't have dementia."


This was written for LJ Idol: Week 3 - Brushback Pitch. A Brushback Pitch is a baseball term that refers to a pitch aimed close to the body so that the batter must step back to avoid it.

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Date: 2016-12-14 11:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] author-by-night.livejournal.com
Thank you for sharing. I'm sure it wasn't easy to write about. It's hard when a parent's illness sneaks up, and I can certainly relate to brushing off the signs. You never want to think something's that wrong.


Date: 2016-12-17 05:16 pm (UTC)

Date: 2016-12-15 01:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kyliejeanne.livejournal.com

I feel like I was right there with you. Beautifully written.

Date: 2016-12-17 05:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xlovebecomesher.livejournal.com
Thank you :)

Date: 2016-12-15 04:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thisgracething.livejournal.com
I love you, BDE Mommy.

Date: 2016-12-17 05:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xlovebecomesher.livejournal.com
I love you too ♥

Date: 2016-12-15 04:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] night-owl-9.livejournal.com
Thank you for sharing ♥

Date: 2016-12-15 05:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ragnarok-08.livejournal.com
Thank you so much for sharing this ♥

Date: 2016-12-15 06:48 am (UTC)
cactus_rs: (sad)
From: [personal profile] cactus_rs

Date: 2016-12-17 05:17 pm (UTC)

Date: 2016-12-15 08:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hamsterwoman.livejournal.com
This is very powerfully written.
*big hugs*

Date: 2016-12-17 05:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xlovebecomesher.livejournal.com
*hugs tightly*

Date: 2016-12-15 03:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rayaso.livejournal.com
This was so well written! I am sorry for your mother's condition, and for what lies ahead.

Date: 2016-12-17 05:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xlovebecomesher.livejournal.com
Thank you. My mom never did realize after that moment she actually had dementia and if you told her otherwise, she would argue that she doesn't have dementia. My mom passed away August of this year :/.

Date: 2016-12-15 06:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zvezda.livejournal.com
You are such a talented writer. This is not easy for you to discuss, but you do it so beautifully and delicately.

Date: 2016-12-17 05:16 pm (UTC)

Date: 2016-12-15 07:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] totheleft.livejournal.com
Thank you for this. I haven't read the entire story together and this helped me to feel what you've been feeling. Love you.

Date: 2016-12-17 05:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xlovebecomesher.livejournal.com
Love you too!

Date: 2016-12-15 08:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] undercrowns.livejournal.com
This was beautiful and brought tears to my eyes. I'm sorry you had to go through that. *hugs*

Date: 2016-12-17 05:14 pm (UTC)

Date: 2016-12-16 02:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] adoptedwriter.livejournal.com

Hugs. Fuck Alzheimer's! It sux! Hubs mom is in later stages of it. What a mess.

Date: 2016-12-17 05:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xlovebecomesher.livejournal.com
Fuck Alzheimer's indeed! I'm sorry to hear about your mother-in-law.

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] adoptedwriter.livejournal.com - Date: 2016-12-18 06:14 pm (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] xlovebecomesher.livejournal.com - Date: 2016-12-20 08:14 pm (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2016-12-16 05:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rswndrlst.livejournal.com
I am overcome with emotion, as other comments said this was powerfully written and also f*k dementia!

I have always made friends quickly with people much older than myself and about a year ago I met a woman through a mutual friend who was a sassy Jewish self-proclaimed dyke and I'd sit in her kitchen and listen to all her amazing life stories and what it was like being a part of the gay rights movement and what San Francisco was like in the eighties.

Three months after I met her she was diagnosed with dementia and the symptoms progressed so fast. It was so hard when some days I would come over to hang out with her and her roommates and I could tell she couldn't remember me but was trying to pretend she was fine but I could see it in her eyes. It's so frustrating and bittersweet because I feel like I lost a friend I never even really got to know.

Thank you for sharing this.

Date: 2016-12-17 05:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xlovebecomesher.livejournal.com
Fuck dementia indeed!

I'm sorry about your friend :(

Date: 2016-12-16 08:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sarcasmoqueen.livejournal.com
I'm sorry you're going through that.

Date: 2016-12-17 05:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xlovebecomesher.livejournal.com
Not going through it anymore :/ My mom passed away this past August. These scenes would be dated between 2009/2010 (the email writing) and June, 2014 (when she was diagnosed).

Date: 2016-12-16 09:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lostin-thestars.livejournal.com
Ooh my heart, you and yours are in my thoughts.

Date: 2016-12-17 02:30 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alphaloria.livejournal.com
Heartbreaking :(

Date: 2016-12-17 05:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xlovebecomesher.livejournal.com
Alzheimer's is a horrible disease :(

Date: 2016-12-17 03:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ryl.livejournal.com
Unfortunately I know this feeling all too well. *hugs*

Date: 2016-12-17 05:12 pm (UTC)

Date: 2016-12-17 05:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] penpusher.livejournal.com
Thank you for sharing a powerful and difficult chapter in the lives of your family. Many good wishes for good things.

Date: 2016-12-20 08:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xlovebecomesher.livejournal.com
Thank you :)

Date: 2016-12-17 11:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] j0ydivided.livejournal.com
This was heartbreaking and beautiful. I'm so sorry -- I'm dealing with something similar with one of my relatives right now, and it's a terrible thing to be on the other side of.

Thank you for sharing.

Date: 2016-12-20 08:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xlovebecomesher.livejournal.com
I'm sorry that you have to go through something like this with one of your family members *hugs*

Date: 2016-12-18 04:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] magazhchi.livejournal.com

My heartfelt condolence. This really touched my heart, you wrote it so well. * hugs*

Date: 2016-12-20 08:14 pm (UTC)

Date: 2016-12-18 11:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] eeyore-grrl.livejournal.com
That's hard. I haven't had to deal with dementia in my family yet; I have so much sympathy for those that do. I can't quite imagine how rough it can be.

Date: 2016-12-20 08:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xlovebecomesher.livejournal.com
It's rough - I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

Date: 2016-12-19 03:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] deza.livejournal.com

Date: 2016-12-20 08:15 pm (UTC)

Date: 2016-12-19 06:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] halfshellvenus.livejournal.com
This was so sad to read, and I know it was harder still to live it. You wouldn't be able to keep from thinking (hoping) that those lapses were nothing serious and didn't really mean anything-- because if not, everything is about to become hopeless and so much harder.


Date: 2016-12-20 08:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xlovebecomesher.livejournal.com
*hugs* It was easier to brush it aside than to think something was wrong.

Date: 2016-12-19 03:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] eternal-ot.livejournal.com
*Hugs* This is really well written. I am sorry to hear about your mom. Take care.

Date: 2016-12-20 08:15 pm (UTC)

Date: 2016-12-19 06:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sinnamongirl.livejournal.com
That's so difficult. I'm going through something similar - but far less intense - with my granny right now. Except she's refusing to go in for the tests, and my aunts and uncle are refusing to believe things are "as bad" as I say. It's frustrating, and your entry really struck a chord with me. Thank you for it.

Date: 2016-12-20 08:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xlovebecomesher.livejournal.com
*hugs* I'm sorry about your granny. My aunts refused to believe that things were as bad as they were even til the end.
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