This has all been so heartwrenching for you, and I understand why it's such a struggle to figure out who to be right now.

The one comforting thing here is that all of this is because you loved and were loved by your mother so very much. The price is the pain you feel at losing her, but the richness of what you had in return is beyond compare. Your love for her speaks to who she was, and why she so deserved that devotion.