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xlovebecomesher) wrote2017-04-18 07:47 pm
xlovebecomesher) wrote2017-04-18 07:47 pm
Entry tags:
LJ Idol Season 10: Patchwork Heart
My family is not made of angelic beings but despite their faults, they have (mostly) beautiful (good intentioned?) hearts.
My Bubby was a beautiful, loving woman who loved her children and her grandchildren dearly. She was a Holocaust survivor and family meant everything to her. She had three daughters who lived (and two sons who died in infancy during the war); she had a daughter while surviving in a work camp in Siberia during the war and two daughters after the war when her and my grandfather made it back to Poland. Bubby loved to laugh, to dance, to play Bingo and Rummy, and spend time with her friends and family. It was not a good night if she was home before 11 PM. She loved with all of her heart and it showed.
My mother and her sister who were born after the war are just as loving and beautiful as my grandmother was. My mother always made sure that I knew that I was loved and treasured. Her younger sister, while not always the best of mothers to her own children (that's a story for a different day), was always kind and loving to me as well. My mother and her sister were thick as thieves spending time together, talking on the phone late into the night, going shopping, and spending time with their friends. Their friends always know that they are ready to go out and to have fun. Everyone knew that my mother especially had a heart full of love (which was only appropriate considering her name means love). My grandmother, my mother, and my aunt are all strong role models in my life of women I want to be one day.
But then there's my other aunt, my mother's older sister, who just wasn't quite stitched the same way. Maybe it had to with being born with such a dark, cold place such as Siberia, maybe it's the age difference, maybe it's the bitter resentment of her parents and sisters that she wears like an armor around her heart, but she was never the same as my mother and their younger sister.
You wouldn't know how different her heart is simply by looking at her. She's well made up (never mind her botched face lift that leaves her looking permanently surprised); her outfits always matching (only the best), nails always done (by her favorite manicurist who abhors her), her heavily accented voice always quick to ask how are you and to inquire into your life (while saving her snarking for behind your back). She's well to do with money to spare (never mind that she got her job by cheating on husband with her boss/now husband), vacations galore (mostly paid for by her job), a huge house for just her and her husband (it is quite a nice house except for the fact that the two of them have to live with each other) and loves to entertain (as she throws the best parties so she says). All 3 of her children are married (and they married within the religion as she so proudly brags to all who will listen), and 9 grandchildren of which she speaks so proudly about (with 3 of her grandchildren conveniently ignored unless it suits her). What's not to like?
On the outside, her life and her heart seems so perfect and full.
Until you hear the pure meanness that lives inside her heart.
"You're not fat but you're not skinny either so you shouldn't wear the clothes you wear."
"She looks like a prostitute in her outfit."
"You really think you can get into Brown?" *sniff* "Getting into college is really hard, you know. It's not for everyone."
"You know, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. You should watch out for your daughter in case she comes after you."
"You have three degrees and you don't even know how to speak right."
The comment list could go on...and these are only some of the comments that have been said about me. Yes, even the prostitute one was directed at 14 year old me! That is when I worked up courage to wear a halter top (with little fish on the side) and a black skirt to my cousin's graduation party in 90+ degree weather. My mother (who bought me that outfit) was so proud of me for dressing up and everyone loved my outfit... except her.
I'm not the only target for her spite. She makes her thoughts well known about everyone and anything. My cousins have been drug addicts, lazy, wastes of time. She would make fun of their weight (she once told my cousin, "you really don't need that cookie now do you?" We were 9.), or how they were dressed. Her sisters were never exempt from her hate filled comments (but of course now that my mother is gone, according to her they were best friends). Then there's the comments about friends: this friend is too fat, this one is so stupid - how does she even exist?, this friend is only worthwhile to have as a friend because she's rich - if she wasn't rich, she'd be a nobody. She always has something to say; nothing kind or positive (unless it's about her own children). That's not how she's designed.
I used to try and rationalize her behavior. I would remind myself of her resentment of Bubby and Mommy which trickled down to me, her disappointments in life that have shaped her heart. At the end of the day, I want to believe the best in my family and that all of my family loves me and supports me. They say family is stronger than friendships but as I've learned the hard way this isn't always true. In order to make sure my heart doesn't turn into anything remotely near hers, to protect myself, I had to extract that piece of my life in order to maintain peace and love within me. I had to stop rationalizing and stop accepting the behavior that is not okay .
Eight months ago, when my mother passed away and she treated me horrifically in my time of mourning, I stood up for myself once and for all. My aunt and I haven't spoken since that fateful day and my heart feels a lot better without her in my life.
___________________________
Note: I wrote two versions of this prompt and after a lot of internal debate, went with this version. I hope you like! Thank you![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
halfshellvenus for your inspiration (and having been there for me through the drama that is my aunt)! Thank you also to wildrose for prereading and to kickthehobbit for dealing with with my last minute anxiety and telling me to submit this! You guys are the best <3
If you like this please vote here and check out the other contestants' work!
My Bubby was a beautiful, loving woman who loved her children and her grandchildren dearly. She was a Holocaust survivor and family meant everything to her. She had three daughters who lived (and two sons who died in infancy during the war); she had a daughter while surviving in a work camp in Siberia during the war and two daughters after the war when her and my grandfather made it back to Poland. Bubby loved to laugh, to dance, to play Bingo and Rummy, and spend time with her friends and family. It was not a good night if she was home before 11 PM. She loved with all of her heart and it showed.
My mother and her sister who were born after the war are just as loving and beautiful as my grandmother was. My mother always made sure that I knew that I was loved and treasured. Her younger sister, while not always the best of mothers to her own children (that's a story for a different day), was always kind and loving to me as well. My mother and her sister were thick as thieves spending time together, talking on the phone late into the night, going shopping, and spending time with their friends. Their friends always know that they are ready to go out and to have fun. Everyone knew that my mother especially had a heart full of love (which was only appropriate considering her name means love). My grandmother, my mother, and my aunt are all strong role models in my life of women I want to be one day.
But then there's my other aunt, my mother's older sister, who just wasn't quite stitched the same way. Maybe it had to with being born with such a dark, cold place such as Siberia, maybe it's the age difference, maybe it's the bitter resentment of her parents and sisters that she wears like an armor around her heart, but she was never the same as my mother and their younger sister.
You wouldn't know how different her heart is simply by looking at her. She's well made up (never mind her botched face lift that leaves her looking permanently surprised); her outfits always matching (only the best), nails always done (by her favorite manicurist who abhors her), her heavily accented voice always quick to ask how are you and to inquire into your life (while saving her snarking for behind your back). She's well to do with money to spare (never mind that she got her job by cheating on husband with her boss/now husband), vacations galore (mostly paid for by her job), a huge house for just her and her husband (it is quite a nice house except for the fact that the two of them have to live with each other) and loves to entertain (as she throws the best parties so she says). All 3 of her children are married (and they married within the religion as she so proudly brags to all who will listen), and 9 grandchildren of which she speaks so proudly about (with 3 of her grandchildren conveniently ignored unless it suits her). What's not to like?
On the outside, her life and her heart seems so perfect and full.
Until you hear the pure meanness that lives inside her heart.
"You're not fat but you're not skinny either so you shouldn't wear the clothes you wear."
"She looks like a prostitute in her outfit."
"You really think you can get into Brown?" *sniff* "Getting into college is really hard, you know. It's not for everyone."
"You know, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. You should watch out for your daughter in case she comes after you."
"You have three degrees and you don't even know how to speak right."
The comment list could go on...and these are only some of the comments that have been said about me. Yes, even the prostitute one was directed at 14 year old me! That is when I worked up courage to wear a halter top (with little fish on the side) and a black skirt to my cousin's graduation party in 90+ degree weather. My mother (who bought me that outfit) was so proud of me for dressing up and everyone loved my outfit... except her.
I'm not the only target for her spite. She makes her thoughts well known about everyone and anything. My cousins have been drug addicts, lazy, wastes of time. She would make fun of their weight (she once told my cousin, "you really don't need that cookie now do you?" We were 9.), or how they were dressed. Her sisters were never exempt from her hate filled comments (but of course now that my mother is gone, according to her they were best friends). Then there's the comments about friends: this friend is too fat, this one is so stupid - how does she even exist?, this friend is only worthwhile to have as a friend because she's rich - if she wasn't rich, she'd be a nobody. She always has something to say; nothing kind or positive (unless it's about her own children). That's not how she's designed.
I used to try and rationalize her behavior. I would remind myself of her resentment of Bubby and Mommy which trickled down to me, her disappointments in life that have shaped her heart. At the end of the day, I want to believe the best in my family and that all of my family loves me and supports me. They say family is stronger than friendships but as I've learned the hard way this isn't always true. In order to make sure my heart doesn't turn into anything remotely near hers, to protect myself, I had to extract that piece of my life in order to maintain peace and love within me. I had to stop rationalizing and stop accepting the behavior that is not okay .
Eight months ago, when my mother passed away and she treated me horrifically in my time of mourning, I stood up for myself once and for all. My aunt and I haven't spoken since that fateful day and my heart feels a lot better without her in my life.
___________________________
Note: I wrote two versions of this prompt and after a lot of internal debate, went with this version. I hope you like! Thank you
halfshellvenus for your inspiration (and having been there for me through the drama that is my aunt)! Thank you also to wildrose for prereading and to kickthehobbit for dealing with with my last minute anxiety and telling me to submit this! You guys are the best <3If you like this please vote here and check out the other contestants' work!