xlovebecomesher: (Snoopy Novel)
My family is not made of angelic beings but despite their faults, they have (mostly) beautiful (good intentioned?) hearts.

My Bubby was a beautiful, loving woman who loved her children and her grandchildren dearly. She was a Holocaust survivor and family meant everything to her. She had three daughters who lived (and two sons who died in infancy during the war); she had a daughter while surviving in a work camp in Siberia during the war and two daughters after the war when her and my grandfather made it back to Poland. Bubby loved to laugh, to dance, to play Bingo and Rummy, and spend time with her friends and family. It was not a good night if she was home before 11 PM. She loved with all of her heart and it showed.

My mother and her sister who were born after the war are just as loving and beautiful as my grandmother was. My mother always made sure that I knew that I was loved and treasured. Her younger sister, while not always the best of mothers to her own children (that's a story for a different day), was always kind and loving to me as well. My mother and her sister were thick as thieves spending time together, talking on the phone late into the night, going shopping, and spending time with their friends. Their friends always know that they are ready to go out and to have fun. Everyone knew that my mother especially had a heart full of love (which was only appropriate considering her name means love). My grandmother, my mother, and my aunt are all strong role models in my life of women I want to be one day.

But then there's my other aunt, my mother's older sister, who just wasn't quite stitched the same way. Maybe it had to with being born with such a dark, cold place such as Siberia, maybe it's the age difference, maybe it's the bitter resentment of her parents and sisters that she wears like an armor around her heart, but she was never the same as my mother and their younger sister.

You wouldn't know how different her heart is simply by looking at her. She's well made up (never mind her botched face lift that leaves her looking permanently surprised); her outfits always matching (only the best), nails always done (by her favorite manicurist who abhors her), her heavily accented voice always quick to ask how are you and to inquire into your life (while saving her snarking for behind your back). She's well to do with money to spare (never mind that she got her job by cheating on husband with her boss/now husband), vacations galore (mostly paid for by her job), a huge house for just her and her husband (it is quite a nice house except for the fact that the two of them have to live with each other) and loves to entertain (as she throws the best parties so she says). All 3 of her children are married (and they married within the religion as she so proudly brags to all who will listen), and 9 grandchildren of which she speaks so proudly about (with 3 of her grandchildren conveniently ignored unless it suits her). What's not to like?

On the outside, her life and her heart seems so perfect and full.

Until you hear the pure meanness that lives inside her heart.

"You're not fat but you're not skinny either so you shouldn't wear the clothes you wear."

"She looks like a prostitute in her outfit."

"You really think you can get into Brown?" *sniff* "Getting into college is really hard, you know. It's not for everyone."

"You know, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. You should watch out for your daughter in case she comes after you."

"You have three degrees and you don't even know how to speak right."

The comment list could go on...and these are only some of the comments that have been said about me. Yes, even the prostitute one was directed at 14 year old me! That is when I worked up courage to wear a halter top (with little fish on the side) and a black skirt to my cousin's graduation party in 90+ degree weather. My mother (who bought me that outfit) was so proud of me for dressing up and everyone loved my outfit... except her.

I'm not the only target for her spite. She makes her thoughts well known about everyone and anything. My cousins have been drug addicts, lazy, wastes of time. She would make fun of their weight (she once told my cousin, "you really don't need that cookie now do you?" We were 9.), or how they were dressed. Her sisters were never exempt from her hate filled comments (but of course now that my mother is gone, according to her they were best friends). Then there's the comments about friends: this friend is too fat, this one is so stupid - how does she even exist?, this friend is only worthwhile to have as a friend because she's rich - if she wasn't rich, she'd be a nobody. She always has something to say; nothing kind or positive (unless it's about her own children). That's not how she's designed.

I used to try and rationalize her behavior. I would remind myself of her resentment of Bubby and Mommy which trickled down to me, her disappointments in life that have shaped her heart. At the end of the day, I want to believe the best in my family and that all of my family loves me and supports me. They say family is stronger than friendships but as I've learned the hard way this isn't always true. In order to make sure my heart doesn't turn into anything remotely near hers, to protect myself, I had to extract that piece of my life in order to maintain peace and love within me. I had to stop rationalizing and stop accepting the behavior that is not okay .

Eight months ago, when my mother passed away and she treated me horrifically in my time of mourning, I stood up for myself once and for all. My aunt and I haven't spoken since that fateful day and my heart feels a lot better without her in my life.

___________________________

Note: I wrote two versions of this prompt and after a lot of internal debate, went with this version. I hope you like! Thank you [livejournal.com profile] halfshellvenus for your inspiration (and having been there for me through the drama that is my aunt)! Thank you also to [livejournal.com profile] wildrose for prereading and to [livejournal.com profile] kickthehobbit for dealing with with my last minute anxiety and telling me to submit this! You guys are the best <3

If you like this please vote here and check out the other contestants' work!
xlovebecomesher: (Dirty Little Secret)
Fall is starting early it seems here in Maryland. I find that I have to take a jacket with me to have in the car just in case I need it [and I've needed it]. I actually like it though - beats the humidity that we had the previous week!

I think the biggest challenge for me this blog-a-thon is not writing an entry every day but rather leaving this journal open for a month and knowing that anyone can stumble across this and read. I've had my journal friend's only since I started writing here 4 years ago so this is brand new to me being open like this. Maybe this will be good for me :)

I went to go visit my aunt in the hospital tonight - she had knee replacement surgery which went well but she's there for a few days before rehab. Her and I started watching the movie Blood Diamond which I've always wanted to see. I only saw about 15 minutes of this movie before she fell asleep and I got caught up in conversation with my cousin but I can't get it off my mind. The first 10 minutes you see the army invade and kill people and chop off limbs of people. I knew what a conflict diamond was theoretically and that De Beers diamonds are conflict free but to see it graphically and know that there are people who've gone through and/or still suffer today pains me. I was talking to Lina (who is from Sierra Leone) and she says it really hit home for her about her country when she was there and visited amputation camps and she saw little children missing limbs...and for what? It sickens me to think about it :/

Slightly less depressing, I got to see Lina tonight which always makes me happy. We hit up McDonalds which I haven't had in about a year as I hate fast food but she wanted to go so I was fine with it. This guy gave us coupons inside so we got a good deal (buy an angus burger and get fries and a drink for free - sweet) and we took our food and drove to Kennedy to sit on the bleachers and eat. I always look at that building and automatically so many memories assault me from sitting on the steps at lunch, to drama club, all the guys my friends and I have ever liked back in the day, classes, volleyball, friends, etc. Good times. We sat on the bleachers and just talked and laughed for about an hour (until we heard a voice over the loudspeaker going get out of the parking lot...go home...which was weird because no car was there and no one was there hmm). Such a nice night to sit outside with your best friend :)

Sigh why is my internet so loopy tonight - takes forever to load a page and AIM keeps kicking me off...maybe it's a sign I should go do some homework and shower to get ready for tomorrow!
xlovebecomesher: (Come With Me)
I would have updated on the 2nd for the sake of the Ecstasy blog-a-thon except that I've barely been home today! Thus I'm backdating slightly to have an entry on the 2nd since well...it's still the 2nd in other parts of the United States ;)

So my birthday despite my original misgivings ended up being fucking amazing :)

I slept in today since I didn't have to work with Morgan [despite Dave and Petra constantly texting me this morning going OMG can you work...fuck that, you told me I have a day off thus you cannot text me at 7 AM expecting me to come in]. I stumbled out of bed close to noon and very happy. I got spanked 25 times and then I had gifts waiting which I was excited about even knowing what most of them were (I picked them out lmao).

I got from Mommy:
-A purple shirt
-A purple wallet <3
-2 pairs of purple socks
-Black high heeled boots (so happy because I didn't have a pair last winter and I didn't feel like myself without them lol)
-Car stereo (came in the mail and I did not know about it and hopefully Pham will install it for me next weekend)
-100 rubber bands for my hair (which I had no idea but I was excited since I can always use them
-Leopard print sheets (found them at Sears and it was like $20 for full size so Mommy bought them and wrapped it)
-$50 to go for paying for my manicure/pedicure appointment with Timothy on Friday :)

I also got some really sweet cards from her that made me cry lol.

Afterward Mommy and I got dressed and we went to Max's (a Kosher restaurant) with Dalia and Michelle (who keeps strictly Kosher) for lunch. It was pretty decent (first time I've ever been there and not ordered falafal or schwarma but their other food is good too). Had some intriguing discussions about respect, relationship, and the future. It was interesting for me to watch the interactions now that Michelle and I are adults and yet out to lunch with our mothers and having these serious type of talks - like for the first time I was able to bring up to Dalia as an adult to adult that her husband does not respect her and she goes I know and the 4 of us were able to talk about the past and how that impacts us. Makes me wish that Michelle wasn't going to college in NY so I could hang out with her more.

I went to work for 1.5 hours. It should have been 2.5 but Jake wanted to go to his school's back to school night picnic. Alison's still willing to pay me for 2 hours so I'm cool with it especially the fact that I was happy to see Jake so excited about spending time with his friends. She got me a big chocolate chip cookie cake and everyone sang me happy birthday and we ate cookies - not bad for 1.5 hours ;)

Then came the fun part - my last minute dinner plans. As I mentioned, I invited people just yesterday morning to go out to dinner. I would have been happy if 2 or 3 friends came out since it was such short notice. Ended up that I spent my birthday with 14 friends at the Lebanese Taverna :) Good times! We also went out after to this Irish pub McGintys that's down the street and had drinks and dessert - I had Banana's Foster (yummy) which they put a candle on it and everyone sang happy birthday :) I was amazed. I really did not think people would have came out all this way for me (since it's a Wednesday night) and I was really pleasantly surprised :)

few pics of the night behind this cut )

What a nice way to start off being 24 :)

February 2022

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