xlovebecomesher: (Lost my heart)
The lovely Angel gave me 5 words for me to define what they mean to me.


RELATIONSHIP


Anyone who knows me knows I will fight to keep the people I love in my life. My ex called me a puppy dog once with the way I chase and it's probably true. A good friend of mine once called me her personal bulldog because I will fight for my friends and the ones I love. I don't give up on people unless I'm presented with no other option and if you need me, I will be there in a heartbeat.

My boyfriend is a good example of someone I never gave up on despite everyone and their mother telling me to. For those who don't know, Jon and I did not start out dating. We didn't even get into a relationship until 2 years after we met. He wanted to date me right off the bat meeting me but I had no interest as I had enough guy drama in my life and didn't need more. He didn't take that so well. Actually he blocked me after a week of knowing each other because I didn't want to date him and told me to have a nice life! The blocking through lasted a day LMAO. After sleeping together for a month or so, I wanted more...except this time HE didn't want to date me! Sigh payback is a bitch, eh? We ended up falling into a friends with benefits relationship which would last for more than a year. We went through A LOT of drama while being fuck buddies (the Sara boobies episode which both of us wanted to strangle the other, him fucking Brenna and not telling me, me inviting Jared down to MD and him being pissed at me because I spent his birthday weekend with Jared hehe, working at the library with his other fuck buddy, Heather, and other huge fights).

By all means, we've probably blocked each other G-d knows how many times, fought countless times, I've threatened to bash his head in with volleyballs in our gym class several times...we should not have been talking now let alone dating but we've not gone more than 2 or 3 days in the past 4.5 years without talking! Everyone told me I should give up on him, that he's no good, he's fucking around (which he was back in the day), he doesn't deserve me, etc. But I couldn't. Not because of the sex. But because he made me smile every time I talked to him. He made me happy. He accepted me for me and never ONCE made me feel stupid or like crap if I didn't know something or if I expressed something that I wanted to try in bed. He was (and still is) amazing and I couldn't give up on him even if nothing more were to happen. Apparently it paid off because well we've been dating for almost 2.5 years now and going strong :D


CHANGE

I'm not always the best person to deal with change. I like status quo. Change you can say freaks me out a bit. I don't sweat the small stuff but man does the big stuff get to me at times. I ponder a lot why people change, why people are not in my life anymore when they used to mean the world to me, why my life keeps changing when I least expect it. I feel like just yesterday I was 18. It sometimes stuns me that I'm 24 and pretty much an adult in her mid twenties.

My mom tells me that I cannot worry the way I do about change because you never know when it will happen. It's true. Life can change in a blink of an eye. As they say, and I have to remind myself of the above the quote, and the fact that the only constant in life is change. I am learning slowly but surely how to sit back and embrace change rather than constantly worrying about it because worrying is getting me nowhere.


FUTURE

Fuck if I know what my future is going to be. I used to think it was going to be set. I was going to grow up, go to college, go to grad school, be a psychologist, get married and live happily ever after. What no one tells you as a child is that life is not a set thing. You don't have to decide your life when you choose your major. No one tells you that adults change their minds too and that nothing is set for them either just because they have a career and family. I'm working toward my future right now with grad school and needing to get on my ass to apply for grad schools to further myself. I don't know what's going to happen as much as that drives me insane sometimes not knowing. I don't know if Jon and I are meant to be (although I hope to G-d we are) or what my future career will turn out to be, or where I'll live, etc. What I do know for my future if nothing else is that I want to be happy and fulfilled with my life and the decisions I've made to get to that point. I know that I want to be married, have a career, have child and travel but when that will be I don't know. I know that I'm waiting for my future with open arms and open eyes and I can't wait to see what the future will bring.



DESTINY


The image cracked me up to no end :D

I believe in destiny. How can I not when I look around me. I'll take Jon and I for example and our choices. Let's start with our most basic choice: had he not followed Ann to UMBC or had I chosen Towson or Salisbury over UMBC (and I contemplated Towson a lot), we would have not met. But he did. Still doesn't guarantee a meet. Had I not chosen to live in Susquehanna my sophomore year, I would have not met Ashley which means I would not have met Jon. I did though. Had I not gone to dinner that night with Ashley when she stopped to talk to Jon at the desk, he wouldn't have had the courage to talk to me 2 months later on that fateful night. Had I picked up that package on any other day of the week (which I still find strange that I waited a week to pick up a package from the desk and only noticed it on a Saturday night), I would have had no reason to go downstairs that faithful night...and that night would have never happened thus we might not be who we are today.

Lina and I like to think we were destined to be best friends which we have been since 7th grade. I had met this girl Olesya in gym class halfway through 7th grade (It was the beginning of February). She lived in the building behind mine. We started talking and we both figure well, her best friend just moved to Florida, and I never had anyone really to walk home with (unless you count Erin when she felt like walking with me) ... well why don't we walk together? We walked home that day together and she came over because she was locked out and had to wait for her mom to get home. We hit it off. The next day I met Olesya outside after school and she says, hey you know what...do you mind if we wait for my friend Lina? She lives in then neighborhood and wants to walk home with us. I figure sure, why not, I have no idea who this Lina is (I will find out later that Lina just transferred to Lee halfway through the school year) but I would to meet someone new and make a new friend. The three of us from that day on were inseparable ... well until middle of 8th grade when Olesya and I stopped talking but that didn't stop Lina and I from having a friendship. Had I not met Olesya, had I not walked home with her, had I not agreed to wait for her friend...I would have never met the best friend and one of the best people I know in this world.

Or group of friends from UMBC...good example as well. Had the ex and I not dated... Rachi and I would have never been friends (thus would have never met Debbie either). If I had not been friends with Andrew or the ex, neither Andrew or ex would have followed me to Susquehanna thus Rachi would have had no reason to come visit Sus as much (or at all?). If Rachi and I had not hung out, we would have never met Pham. If Andrew never followed me to Susquehanna, he would have never been Austin's roommate and I never would have met him either.

Basically my thought is maybe it was destiny for the ex and I to meet and date and go through the drama we did because it set me up for something greater: my friendships with everyone else in the group :)

There is a reason for every choice we make even if it's not apparent at that moment.


FORUMS


I started posting on message boards back in 2001 thanks to my discovery of Ezboards. The first board I posted on was a Days of Our Lives fan fiction forum that eventually I became an admin on. I loved that board - spent hours posting my own fics and reading others. The best part of it was the people I met: Robyn, Ali, Megan, Ash, Kristen, Foxy, Fidomom (I can't think of her real name), Stacey, Andrea. I loved not just the feedback I was getting on my fics but meeting people that I would have never met otherwise (Robyn and Stacey lived in Texas, Megan lived in Washington State, Ali in Cali, Kristen in Michigan, Foxy was in Vegas, Andrea in NJ, and Fidomom was a Canadian) (the only ones now I have any idea of where they are now are Robyn, Andrea, and Kristen). I loved especially Robyn who her and I hit it off right off the bat! I loved our IM conversations and getting to know her and everyone. Eventually I branched out of the Days message board scene and into other stuff that Ezboard had to offer and eventually stumbled across Angel and one of her many, many boards she would have over the years! I don't even remember who IMed who first but we struck up a friendship that has lasted to this day. Who says online friendships can't work?! If it weren't for Angel though I wouldn't have my LJ today - go figure.

I love message boards. I love meeting people. I don't post anymore on many forums. I mainly post wherever Angel creates a new board (which if you can't tell is Ecstasy lol). I used to post at Bijoux. Tried TB a long time ago but wasn't crazy about it. I recently started posting at Shan's board Wonderland which I enjoy a lot. It's nice having a place a way from home that I can talk to other people, share my thoughts and read other ideas and opinions. I love forums and simply meeting people that I would never ever have a chance to meet otherwise. it's a great way to make connections and friendships.

If you want 5 words for yourself, let me know and I will give you them:)

"Strange how a single conversation can change you. Or maybe it only seems that way in retrospect. A year passes and you know you feel differently, but you’re not sure what or why or how, so your mind casts back for something that might give that difference shape: a word, a glance, a touch." -Barack Obama

March 2017

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