LJ Idol Season 10: I need the struggle to feel alive

[xlovebecomesher]

"You look like you're here. You're talking to me, you're laughing in the right places, it feels like a normal conversation. But it's not. I can tell something is wrong." He watched her carefully, waiting for her to come back to him. She was one of his closest friends; they told each other everything but he always felt that she kept a piece of herself back from everyone and he never understood why.

She shook her head discreetly, attempting to shake the thoughts away. The thoughts never went away though despite the numerous head shakes and mental compulsions. "How did you know?"

"How did I know what?"

"That's something is wrong? No one ever notices when something is wrong with me."

"You space out. You look like you're a million miles away in your own head trying to solve some complicated math problem. This is not the first time you've looked that way; I've noticed this not just when you talk to me but when you talk to other people too. Talk to me. What is going on in that mind of yours?"

"I'm okay," she attempted to reassure him before changing the subject. She stood up and grabbed her jacket. "Hey, do you want to go get dinner? I'm hungry and you know how I get when I'm hungry! I'm in the mood also for ice cream for dessert. Doesn't that sound delicious right now? You ready to go?"

He sat in his spot on the couch refusing to move. "You're not okay."

She froze.

"Talk to me. I'm here for you; you know that right? Tell me what's going on. I want to help you."

"You won't understand. Hell, I don't even understand it."

He pulled her to sit down on the couch next to him and put his arms around her. "Tell me. Whatever it is, I'm here for you. Even if I don't understand, I'm here."

"What if I told you my thoughts scare me? Will you still be here then?"

"What do you mean?"

Something inside her burst at that moment. "What if I told you my thoughts play on repeat like a broken record? I can't let go of a thought and it just plays and plays until I want to scream on top of my lungs." She paused, catching her breath, collecting her thoughts.

He waited quietly for her to continue, stroking a strand of her hair. When she didn't continue, he prompted her with: "what kind of thoughts?"

"My thoughts start off with a question: 'What if I drove my car into a person?' or 'What if I was capable of hurting a child?'  Scenarios like that play out in my head on repeat. Some are darker thoughts than others. Then I think how could I be normal if I have those kinds of thoughts? I can't be normal. What if I told you I know that I'm not capable of doing any of those things but yet I keep having these thoughts so maybe I am? And then I have to find mental things to do to calm me down.  Do you know how alone I feel because everyone else can manage their thoughts but here I am and I can't stop my crazy thoughts? What if I told you that I have these thoughts while I'm doing my every day normal routine. All day, every day I struggle with my thoughts and I don't know how to stop my thoughts no matter what I do. Are you here for me then?" She turned her head away from him ashamed of what she just said, ashamed of herself.

"I'm here for you even then. I wish you had told me earlier that you were going through this."

"You would have thought I was crazy; you probably think I am crazy. I think I'm crazy. You're probably thinking you need to call a psych ward or something," she burst into tears, struggling to get out of his hold.

"No!" He held onto her refusing to let go."You're not crazy." She gave him an incredulous look through her tears. You're not," he repeated insistantly. "I'm far from a psychology major but you're not crazy. My cousin struggles with repetitive thoughts and anxiety which reminds me of what you're dealing with. You are not crazy and you are not alone. I am here for you."

"You are?"

"I am. Always. If you decide you want to talk to someone professionally, I will help you find someone. If you need someone just to talk to; you always have me. You don't have to struggle alone."

She sniffled. "Really? I haven't even told you half of my thoughts."

"I don't care. You're not crazy. You're you and I'm here for you."

"You don't want to lock me away?"

He laughed. "If I did that, who's going to make sure my hair looks good? Who's going to play wingwoman for me? Who would I get dinner and ice cream with?"

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For telling me I'm not alone. I needed to hear that more than anything."

.....

This was written for LJ Idol: I need the struggle to feel alive. This is a fictionalized conversation between a good friend of mine and myself based on an actual conversation we had years ago. I have OCD and anxiety. My OCD manifests itself in obsessive, intrusive thoughts that to this day I've never truly shared to the full extent beyond my therapist, my husband, my mom, and my best friend.  For a long time, I simply thought I was crazy and I was so afraid to share my thoughts with anyone in fear that I was crazy. My friend was the first one to ever point out that I had a tell-tale sign when I was in the middle of an obsessive thought but it wouldn't be for another couple of years before I realized that my thoughts were due to OCD and could get help.

Megan Fox has one of the best quotes I've read that describes what it's like living with OCD and repetitive thoughts which I've incorporated into this prompt. "People can’t imagine what the struggle is really like, when you can’t let go of a thought or a word. All day and everyday. And I can engage in a conversation with someone and seem like I’m present, and the whole time I’m in my own head, thinking about something else, worrying about something else.”

Comments

[majesticarky.livejournal.com]

A very good insight into the mind of someone with OCD... especially with the thought cycle since most see the physical manifestations of the illness. I hope that it's become a little easier for you to manage, or at least easier to understand that you're not nuts. I legitly went nuts one time from an undiagnosed bipolar. I'm glad it only happened once, so I know what it's like to lose your sanity, and I don't think that obsessive thoughts usually qualify as insanity.

[xlovebecomesher.livejournal.com]

I didn't think I could have OCD because I don't have physical manifestations - only intrusive thoughts. Obsessive thoughts can make you feel insane. The past few years with being diagnosed, having strategies, and meds, and understanding my thought process, it is much easier to manage.

I'm glad for you that happened only once as that sounds scary.

[kita0610.livejournal.com]

This was so brave of you to put out here. My son has OCD thoughts like this, related to his ADHD. I can't imagine what it must feel like, and it breaks my heart. I'm glad you have the support system you need.

[xlovebecomesher.livejournal.com]

OCD and ADHD can go together unfortunately. I'm sorry that your son has to deal with both. He's lucky that he has you to be there and support him.

[ragnarok-08.livejournal.com]

This was so moving - I understand having obsessive and intrusive thoughts, and thank you so much for sharing this.

♥

[xlovebecomesher.livejournal.com]

♥

[erychan86.livejournal.com]

This was so moving and so well written!!!

[xlovebecomesher.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

I love the way you presented (and wrote) this. I'm glad you have a friend and family members to share this with. I hope whatever help you're getting eases the burden. It must be so difficult not just to have OCD thinking, but have the thoughts be ones that were so difficult to discuss.

[xlovebecomesher.livejournal.com]

Thank you :)

The thoughts are the worst and I mentioned a little in this piece but even writing that doesn't truly get into my where my OCD goes and even writing that was really hard.

[marlawentmad.livejournal.com]

It is so important to tell our stories so other's can understand; great piece of work!

[xlovebecomesher.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[l0retta.livejournal.com]

this is really powerful and i can relate to it because it reminds me of my constant intrusive thoughts :(

[xlovebecomesher.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[wildrose.livejournal.com]

*hugs you tightly*
Thank you for opening up so much here. I think that's really courageous of you.
I can relate to the repetitive thoughts to an extent...I have those sometimes, although not to the extent you describe.

[xlovebecomesher.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[halfshellvenus.livejournal.com]

I thought this might be OCD, and you show very well how tiring and worrying it is to have thoughts like this that repeat-repeat-repeat and won't go away, no matter how much you want them too.

Medication is one of the things that can really help with this. I don't know if you've consulted a psychiatrist about it, and tried meds until you found the right one for you. One of the benefits of the anti-depressants I take is that, as a side-effect, they've cut off that "getting in a mental rut" problem I've had all my life. As in, I used to have to stop any repetitive activity (knitting, sewing, playing the violin, you name it) 90 minutes or more before bedtime, and then do some before-bed reading in order to make sure I did not spend the entire night doing that activity or churning through some ongoing problem in my sleep.

My mother calls that "ruminating," and when she had chronic depression enter her life in her sixties, she started taking Prozac. That cut the thread of those other brain-spinning-thoughts during her sleep cycle too.

[xlovebecomesher.livejournal.com]

It is absolutely exhausting to be stuck on one thought especially when you're trying your hardest to appear as if everything is normal (because I couldn't have anyone find out my thoughts). And I apparently did a good enough job of faking it for a long time since I've only had one friend point out that I did not look okay. I wish though I knew about OCD in my teens and early 20's - I would have gotten help a lot sooner. But since OCD to me meant handwashing compulsively and other outward compulsions, I thought I didn't have OCD. I think I was 25 or so when I finally realized that one could have obsessions alone and still be OCD.

I take Klonopin for my anxiety which helps a lot when I get stuck in a thought. I used to go to therapy which helped tremendously with the OCD because it allowed me a safe space to talk about my OCD and gave me coping strategies that I could do to help me.

[penpusher.livejournal.com]

Terrific entry partner! Great to see you back again.

[xlovebecomesher.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Great to see you back as well! :D

[proceedcyclone.livejournal.com]

I've never gotten an official diagnosis, but I've always wondered what it would be. I mean, it's obviously some sort of anxiety disorder, but which one?

For me, I feel anxious mostly about doing something wrong (foot in the mouth moments, upcoming responsibilities, etc.), though I can feel anxious over seemingly nothing at all, too, especially on weekends with more unstructured time. I sometimes have dangerous "what what would happen if" thoughts, ranging anywhere from "what would happen if I just didn't do X?" to "what would happen if I stepped out in front of that bus?" There are times, though, when shows like Criminals Minds make me feel like I'm only a mere step away from being a serial killer when the perpetrator's back story is about that one event that steered them wrong and all they wanted was love or whatever.

Good luck with LJ Idol! It's always felt out of my league, but I actually read about it this year and it felt more approachable, but I didn't think I'd be able to adhere to deadlines (which is probably true given how late this comment is).

-Tia

[xlovebecomesher.livejournal.com]

2nd Chance Idol sign ups are going on now if you want to sign up!